Tuesday 4 September 2018

Goodbye Preschooler

A few hours ago I made a complete fool of myself on Instagram stories. I cried. A lot. No doubt some people rolled their eyes and skipped passed but for me it was an intimate and vulnerable moment I chose to share.

I hadn't intended to cry. I expected to perhaps feel a little tearful but once I started there was no going back. 

The reason for my tears, tears that I'm still fighting back as I write this hours later, is that my 4 year old son starts school tomorrow and I'm heartbroken.

This is the boy I waited 6 long years for. 6 very difficult, hard, excruciating years for.

Little boy holding a chalk board that reads 'Joseph's last day at nursery'

Two operations, a round of fertility drugs and over 4 years on, our beautiful boy is starting school. 

He has been my shadow, my hand holder, my blanket cuddle buddy, my world.

Mummy and little boy cuddling

As he starts school our worlds are about to change massively. School runs, half terms, nativities and assemblies will all become a key part of our lives.

He will make friends and his personality will develop. He'll learn to read and write. He'll probably change.

Part of me knows he is ready but part of me knows his little personality will struggle over the coming days and weeks. It'll take him a while to find his feet. It'll take even longer for me to find mine.

I don't know why I'm struggling so much with the change. Is it because I'm faced head on with the fact that my baby is growing up? Going to change? Might not want me as much as before?

Or is it all a little heightened because I don't know if I'll get the first day of school ever again? Either way it doesn't matter. My heart still breaks.

On Wednesday we'll walk to school hand in hand but as we enter the playground it'll be time to say goodbye and my heart will break a little more.

So goodbye preschooler and hello school boy. I love you more than anything in the world.

Your Mummy Snowy Owl

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