Wednesday 11 May 2016

The reasons why I'm unsure about baby number 2

Within moments of your first born making their arrival the inevitable questions start.

"Will you have another?"
"When will you have another?"

And with the questions comes the 'advice'.

"Don't leave too much of a gap."
"You're pushing 40, don't leave it too long." (I'm 33, you nobhead)

But the thought of having another feels me full of warm fuzzy, motherly feelings and the same amount of dread all at the same time. A friend recently asked me why I wasn't sure and I spilled out a bucket full of reasons.

Baby's feet

Here's the most rational ones.

Can I stretch my love?

I literally love Joseph to his bones. Actually, the stuff inside his bones. My heart is full of love for our much awaited little prince. Will I be able to love another little person as much as the first? Will I be able to stretch my love and love them equally at the same time? Will I unsuspectingly push my beautiful first born away? I can't bear the thought of that.

Then from heartfelt to practicality. Have we got the space?

Our small bedroom is more of an office/storeroom, full of 'important' stuff. OK, it's more like bills, documents, coat hangers, craft stuff and things that should have gone to the charity shop or eBay about two years ago but it is only a small room. Can another baby, toddler and then a teenager squeeze in there? Can our house really take another round of toys??

Can we afford it?

The question every would be parent asks, whether it be your first, second or third. Sadly, this is the decider for many of us today. I am incredibly lucky to work part-time, with nursery and Granny providing childcare. Even with the possibility of free hours in the very distant horizon the monthly cost is already more than an instalment on a new car. Bring a new addition into the fold and the cost can rocket. Is it feasible for me to give up work? Can I earn a decent wage from something else? Do I want to put the pressure of being the only earner on my husband? Probably not to all of the above.

Can I go through it all again?

Those regular readers will know that it was quite the effort to have our little bean. Numerous appointments, two operations, a found of fertility drugs and various people looking up my front bottom and that was just to get pregnant. Add the traumatic birth and I'm not sure I can really go through this again, especially with a toddler in tow.

How will Joseph feel?

Regardless of the all the above my main concern is our current joyous bundle. If I do go through all the hassle of treatment again, which I'll have to pay for by the way, how will he feel. Apart from the usual traumas of introducing your first born to a new arrival and ensuring they don't feel left out or pushed aside I worry how he will feel later on. When he's grown up and knows what we went through to have him and then again to give him a sibling, will he be grateful of a little brother or sister, or will he feel like he wasn't enough. Will he feel that Mummy and Daddy weren't happy with just him and that he didn't fill the void. He does of course. He fills it and more besides.

I don't know what we'll decide but I know that when he sat at one end of his seesaw at the weekend, the other side empty, he cut a very lonely figure.

Mummy Snowy Owl

No comments:

Post a Comment